By Shawn Johnson http://www.libvoice1776.blogspot.com/
Look me up on Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/liberalvoice1776
Christine O' Donnell, Michelle O' Bachmann and Sarah O' Palin are bringing out a new American history text. After their tireless efforts to study and learn the great history of our country, they have finally compelled us with her American history timeline. Please see a transcript of those thoughts below.
1492 - Jesus founded America. He gave the native people guns and gave strict orders that no one should ever take them away. The native people here were treated wonderfully by the settlers that accompanied Jesus. You know, Peter, Paul, Luke, and Ringo. Peter is now considered our founding father.
1510 - African people continue to sneak aboard European ships headed for the New World in the hopes of finding a better life with white people. They were our first illegal immigrants, but the white people were so generous that they gave them a job. The African people were so grateful, they wouldn't accept any compensation for their labor.
1525 - Pablo Francisco founded Florida and gave the native people something to laugh at. (We looked up Pablo Francisco and the lame stream media says he is a comedian, but we know that he was an explorer from Cuba. That is how they got so many Cubans in Miami.)
1550 - Alaska is established as the first state of the United States of America.
1610 - Henry Hudson (with God's help) parts the Hudson River in order to lead his people to safety after the British government establishes taxes. (Taxes would later become a state in the south.)
1614 - Sir Walter Raleigh and Mel Brooks write History of the World. We never read it, but we looked at some of the pictures.
1620 - The pilgrims arrived in Taxachussets to stop the government from taxing turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and gravy. They immediately showed the native people how to gather all of these things from the refrigerator so they could have a large feast called, "Thanksgiving." They rode a big ship called the Mayflower because it was made in the month of May.
1649 - The toleration act makes the Ten Commandments law in the colonies. The law stands to this day.
1650 - Maryland establishes a bicameral legislature, which means that every colonist gets two free cameras so they can put history on Facebook. You can still look up things on Facebook!
1656 - The Puritans (a group established by the EPA for being clean and pure) whip and torture Quakers, making the guy on the oat carton very angry (Another example of the government punishing free market cereal capitalists). They burned witches at the stake! Uh-oh Christine just passed out.
1732 - God creates George Washington and tells him through angels that he will be President.
1754 - French and Indian War - We are not sure who fought in this war.
1765 - England creates the Stamp Act forcing the colonists to put a picture of William and Kate on all stamps. This angers the National Enquirer making war with England eminent.
1770 - The Boston Massacre. I think this had something to do with trading Babe Ruth.
1773 - The Boston Tea Party. The Tea Party is established because colonists wore tea bags on their heads. I will become leader of that Tea Party later on. The colonists were fighting Obamacare.
1775 - Paul Revere rides around ringing bells, and he warns the British not to take our guns. Paul Revere starts his own band with the Raiders. We think they moved to Oakland.
1775 - The first battle of the American Revolution is fought in Lexington, New Hampshire. Thank you for that information, Michelle.
1776 - George Jefferson pens the Declaration of Independence. It starts with the words, "Movin on up, to the east side."
1783 - America defeats Old England in the Revolutionary War, gaining our freedom. New England is established and they start a football team.
1784 - America establishes the Articles of the Confederation making the Confederacy the true government of America. All the power rested in the hand of some guy named "States."
1787 - The founding fathers under instruction from Jesus create the Christian document known as the Constitution. They amend the constitution to allow hunting from a helicopter. It says right in that document that God runs the country. Article one of the Constitution was about the Leviticus Branch proving that the founding fathers wanted a Christian Country. Article two of the Constitution was about the Executive Branch. Sarah finally learned what the Vice President Does. Article three was some branch that we couldn't pronounce.
1803 - America buys Louisiana providing Popeye's chicken to everyone. Colonel Sanders leads an army to try to defeat the purchase.
1808 - Founding fathers like John Quincy Adams fought tirelessly to end slavery.
1815 - We think this is when the War of 1812 took place. The White House was burned down, but during the blaze cupcakes were made and Dolly Madison stamped her name on the cupcakes.
1820 - The Missouri Compromise took place this year. It was controversial because everyone knows that you aren't supposed to compromise. DUH Missouri!
1858 - Dred Scott loses his Supreme Court case. This sets the Civil War in motion. It was called the Civil War because it was fought by civilians. Or, maybe it was because it was a polite war.
1865 - The Civil War ended and the south won. This makes Abraham Lincoln so angry that he has himself shot in the head. We didn't read that, but we saw it in an Alabama recreation.
1885 - Grover Cleveland is the first democratic president elected since the civil war causing socialism to run rampant. This event eventually led to the Great Depression.
1901 - President McKinley is shot and killed making Teddy Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt the president.
1906 - God punishes San Francisco with an earthquake for being gay.
1914 - World War I begins because Archduke Franz Ferdinand is shot. The Franz later went on to inspire Happy Days.
1917 - The United States enters the war after the Germans sink the Titanic. Leonard DiCaprio dies.
1918 - The United States wins the war proving that unilateral attacks on your enemies is the American way.
1920 - Jane Addams starts the Hull House in Chicago so legendary Blackhawks player Bobby Hull has a place to live.
1929 - Barack Obama causes the stock market to crash by spending.
1931 - The Star Spangled Banner becomes the official anthem of the USA, and atheists try to get the word "God" removed from it to no avail.
1939 - Adolph Hitler conspires with Iraq to attack Poland. All of the Polish people escape and move to Chicago.
1941 - Saddam Hussein attacks Pearl Harbor causing Ben Affleck to make that awful movie.
1945 - America wins another war making us like 15-0 or something. This would be the last war that actually counts for the standings.
1950 - Everyone is really happy in America. No problems whatsoever.
1962 - The Soviet Union tried to get missiles and cigars into the United States from Cuba. They didn't make it, so we called it the Cuban Missile Crisis (we asked Dana Perino about this one).
1963 - President Kennedy gets shot in Dallas because he committed adultery.
1964 - The Civil Rights amendment is passed in remembrance of the Civil War.
1969 - America fakes the moon landing according to stuff we read.
1973 - America wins the Vietnam War, but isn't given credit for it.
1980 - Jesus is reborn in the form of Ronald Reagan and elected president. Later, Ronald Reagan would ascend into heaven.
1986 - The Space Shuttle Challenger blows up because God was angry that people were trying to fly to heaven.
1992 - Bill Clinton steals the election by having Ross Perot run as a third party candidate.
1996 - Christine dabbles in witchcraft.
1998 - Bill Clinton is impeached for having an affair with Monica Lewinsky. We don't know what impeached means, but it sounds like something to do with fruit.
2001 - America is attacked by Iraq on 9-11. George Bush saves New York.
2004 - George Bush wins reelection in a landslide, like 100 to 0 or something. He becomes our greatest president ever.
2008 - Barack Obama bails out the banks and blames George Bush for it. Then he rigs the election against John McCain. Sarah is still allowed to be Vice President.
2012 - The Mayans stop their calendar leading to the end of the world! NO REALLY...WE SAW IT IN THE MOVIE!!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Way to go Dud-o-crats!
Kudos to the Democrats! No, not for accomplishing anything, but for allowing Republicans to collectively "hang themselves." The Republicans are successfully hitting every single "third rail" in politics they can. Let's take a look at the checklist.
Eliminate Medicare, support tax loopholes for big oil, take away a woman's right to choose, destroy the lives of teachers, firefighters, police officers, and public workers, give grossly unfair tax cuts to the wealthiest among us who don't pay their fair share as it is, stop the Democrats from breaking up the banks that stole our money, and end the reign of Planned Parenthood and National Public Radio. Check, check, check, and check.
When I am consistently asked why I support the Democratic Party when they really don't share many of my ideals, I have one response, "Because they aren't the Republicans." It is true that sometimes I am voting for the lesser of two evils, but at least the Democrats will fight to keep Medicare. Can you imagine where seniors in this country would be if they had to buy private insurance at the age of sixty-five?
You may ask yourself, "Why would any Republican trying to win in Iowa support the Ryan Plan?" The answer is simple, they are "all in." There is no turning back now. If they can somehow win this election in 2012, they will use it as a hammer to dismantle every single social program that helps the poor and middle class. Reagan's dream will be complete.
To quote a "Star Wars" reference, "Don't give in to the dark side!" America must understand that the days of voting Republican and keeping vital social programs are over. Now, you may say, "Shawn, didn't America vote for the Republicans in 2010 knowing full well what they were going to try to do?"
As obvious as the Republican Plan was to anyone with an I.Q. greater than fifty, America still missed it. If you remember, the Republicans ran on jobs, jobs, jobs. Here we are almost six months later, and they haven't presented one single jobs bill, not one, not even a hint of a jobs bill. They immediately took office and attempted to dismantle excellent government programs by launching a smear campaign that was so egregious it would make a billy-goat puke.
How much more evidence does this country need? Conservatism was a failure, is a failure, and will always be failure. Ronald Reagan's corpse has a ten foot erection for this new Republican Party. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that his party could have a chance to dismantle Medicare. I am going to be paying attention to the senior vote next year. Every single person fifty and older that votes should be voting for the Democrats. If you are old, and you decide to vote Republican, your ignorance will be your downfall. When you lose your social safety net and the most successful government program in the history of this country, you will have no one to blame but yourself.
So, keep going back to the Republicans because you think Eisenhower is somehow still alive but do so at your own peril. I am sorry, but white people in their fifties and sixties have been alive for a long time, and they have learned absolutely nothing during their time on earth. They took a fairly decent country that lead the world in math, science, discovery, and medicine and turned control of it over to the Republicans.
Well now your stupidity will pay off. When you reach the age of 65 you will get a three-dollar bill with Paul Ryan's ugly mug pasted on it to pay for your health insurance. Good luck, dumb asses!
So keep it up Democrats! Your only real accomplishment is that you are not the Republicans, and in this country that makes you electable!
Eliminate Medicare, support tax loopholes for big oil, take away a woman's right to choose, destroy the lives of teachers, firefighters, police officers, and public workers, give grossly unfair tax cuts to the wealthiest among us who don't pay their fair share as it is, stop the Democrats from breaking up the banks that stole our money, and end the reign of Planned Parenthood and National Public Radio. Check, check, check, and check.
When I am consistently asked why I support the Democratic Party when they really don't share many of my ideals, I have one response, "Because they aren't the Republicans." It is true that sometimes I am voting for the lesser of two evils, but at least the Democrats will fight to keep Medicare. Can you imagine where seniors in this country would be if they had to buy private insurance at the age of sixty-five?
You may ask yourself, "Why would any Republican trying to win in Iowa support the Ryan Plan?" The answer is simple, they are "all in." There is no turning back now. If they can somehow win this election in 2012, they will use it as a hammer to dismantle every single social program that helps the poor and middle class. Reagan's dream will be complete.
To quote a "Star Wars" reference, "Don't give in to the dark side!" America must understand that the days of voting Republican and keeping vital social programs are over. Now, you may say, "Shawn, didn't America vote for the Republicans in 2010 knowing full well what they were going to try to do?"
As obvious as the Republican Plan was to anyone with an I.Q. greater than fifty, America still missed it. If you remember, the Republicans ran on jobs, jobs, jobs. Here we are almost six months later, and they haven't presented one single jobs bill, not one, not even a hint of a jobs bill. They immediately took office and attempted to dismantle excellent government programs by launching a smear campaign that was so egregious it would make a billy-goat puke.
How much more evidence does this country need? Conservatism was a failure, is a failure, and will always be failure. Ronald Reagan's corpse has a ten foot erection for this new Republican Party. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that his party could have a chance to dismantle Medicare. I am going to be paying attention to the senior vote next year. Every single person fifty and older that votes should be voting for the Democrats. If you are old, and you decide to vote Republican, your ignorance will be your downfall. When you lose your social safety net and the most successful government program in the history of this country, you will have no one to blame but yourself.
So, keep going back to the Republicans because you think Eisenhower is somehow still alive but do so at your own peril. I am sorry, but white people in their fifties and sixties have been alive for a long time, and they have learned absolutely nothing during their time on earth. They took a fairly decent country that lead the world in math, science, discovery, and medicine and turned control of it over to the Republicans.
Well now your stupidity will pay off. When you reach the age of 65 you will get a three-dollar bill with Paul Ryan's ugly mug pasted on it to pay for your health insurance. Good luck, dumb asses!
So keep it up Democrats! Your only real accomplishment is that you are not the Republicans, and in this country that makes you electable!
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