Alternate State of the Union

Last night, the country heard the President of the United States give a nice little vanilla speech that made retarded independents happy.  Republicans and Democrats sat together in Congress, and at one point I thought they were going to sing "Kumbaya."  The speech was "Kennedyesque" in the fact that it will inspire people who are dead from the neck up.  Personally, I am much more inspired by Harry Truman who once said, (and I quote) "Fuck the Republicans!" 

The President outlined real problems we have in this country, and gave no plan or idea on how to fix them.

I understand the President's position since the speech will probably give him a five point bump in his approval rating.  But, I would like to do you a service and write what the President would have said if he did not have a political gag on.  So here is the speech the President meant to give...

Good evening.  Thank you....Thank you.....Thank you.....Thank you....Thank you....SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT DOWN!  NCIS comes on at ten and I don't want to miss it!

First, let me start by making John Boehner cry like a little bitch.  John grew up in a tavern, and by the look of him tonight he never left.  Only in America could an emotionally unstable, alcoholic, blubbering idiot rise from the depths of humanity and become Speaker of the House.  Mr. Vice President, please hand him a tissue, and you owe me a hundred bucks. 

After my address tonight you will hear the Republican response, and then, if you are on PCP and need a little extra crazy, Michelle Bachmann will make a witch's brew.  To the Tea Party members in the back with the pitch fork, I was just kidding, Michelle Bachmann isn't actually a witch.  *Whispers to Joe Biden* I don't want to tell them witches don't actually exist....It would be like breaking the news about Santa to a four year old. 

The State of the Union is wonderful!  We have millions of people out of work and we just passed tax cuts for the super rich!  Maybe it will trickle down and the working class people will become rich too!  But wait, then who would be the working class?  Maybe the poor will become the working class....No wait, the working class is already poor....Oh well, I can't be bothered with these details.  It will work.  That movie star President said so in the eighties.    

Friends, we must come together for the American people.  No, not you Republicans, I am talking to moderate Democrats right now.  With the "blue-dogs" in the house, who needs Republicans!?  The Republicans have issued a bold challenge, to cut spending while increasing job growth and lowering taxes.  This is the equavilent to winning the lottery without buying a ticket.  Taxes are just too high.  They are so high that Exxon Mobil paid a whopping zero dollars in 2009.

For those of you in the country that can't tell I am being facetious please turn off the TV and go eat your dinner.  Your night is over.  Pray to Jesus before you go to bed.  Now, for the remaining ten people watching......

WAKE THE FUCK UP AMERICA!  We are arguing back and forth in this Congress about spending cuts with a load of assholes that charged two wars on the Chinese Visa Card.  "It's everywhere we didn't want to fucking be!"  Let's start wars we can't finish and cut taxes!  What could go wrong?

I am sick and tired of playing nice with this group of "fuck-sticks."  Just because there are two differing opinions on issues, doesn't make one of those opinions valid.  The Republicans are Lucy with the football and the American people are Charlie Brown.  "We can trust the Republicans this time, can't we?" 

So far, your new Republican Congress has talked about jobs.  In order to create those jobs their first act was proposing an abortion law that already exists.  Their second act was proposing to repeal my health care law that reduces the deficit by a trillion dollars over the next twenty years.  It would have gone even further if these son-of-a-bitches didn't block the Public Option. 

No jobs bill from the Republicans?  The hell you say!  You mean they pulled away the football again?  Aww...this year we were really going to kick that ball.  Now to be fair, the Republicans want to create jobs, and I have to admit, some of their proposals will probably accomplish that goal.  I will now touch on the Republican "Pledge to America."

First, they want to privatize Medicare and Social Security.  Great!  Now that old people will have to eat cat food for the rest of their life after the next Wall Street failure, the "Meow-Mix" company will boom hiring hundreds of new workers.  Don't worry about your health care seniors....You will get a coupon to pick up some health care at the local "Piggly Wiggly!"  Can't beat a policy like that!

Second, the Republicans want to cut out unemployment benefits.  This I agree with wholeheartedly!  After allowing corporate conglomerates to ship American jobs overseas, let's also cut out unemployment benefits so lazy Americans will go back to the same job that is no longer there.  It's so perfect; I can't believe I didn't think of it myself.

Third, the Republicans want to eliminate pesky regulation boards like the EPA.  What a great fucking idea!  Let's eliminate health care and environmental protection so people can get sick from breathing in shit, and then not be able to get the care and attention they need!  Boy, will that create jobs!  The ten to twenty people left standing will have the job of creating a new society that feeds on carbon dioxide and the flesh of the recently deceased.

Repeat after me....NO GOVERNMENT INTRUSION ON STOPPING MY KID FROM PLAYING WITH CHINESE LEAD TOYS!  That's the way the founders would want it! 

But, the American people are asking, "Mr. President, what makes the Democrats different than the Republicans....I mean, besides the whole 'not wanting the country to self-destruct thing?'"

Here is my plan for the next two years.  Keep in mind, the only thing that can derail this plan is an uncooperative House of Representatives, and you can count on that.  It is time for lazy ass liberals to get off of the couch, put down the Cheetos, and take to the streets.  If you want my help, do something!  If the Tea Party fucks can organize the cast from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" to mobilize their party, then the world's brightest minds should be able to do the same thing.

First, I agree that our deficit is a problem.  We currently spend $700 Billion annually on the Pentagon budget, and that doesn't include the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.  That is more than the rest of the free world combined!  I have spoken to Secretary Gates and in exchange for not having him executed, he has agreed to cut the military budget in half. 

Secondly, the tax rate for everyone making one billion dollars or more will be raised to 50%.  That is a lower tax rate than Ronald Reagan had.  You are welcome.  Don't like it...Should have created jobs here when you had the chance instead of giving yourselves a pay raise.  Fuck you!

Thirdly, the banks of the United States will pay off the debt to the Chinese.  Sorry, they were late on their TARP repayments so I raised their interest rates to 30%.  Just playing by the rules they created. 

Fourthly, I WILL NEVER REMOVE ONE FUCKING DIME FROM SOCIAL SECURITY OR MEDICARE!  Get that off the table right now!  How is that for fucking bipartisanship? 

Fifthly, I will create a Public Works program before we fall into the goddamned ocean because of our crumbling infrastructure.  Any Republican idiot that thinks this won't work, please Google "FDR, New Deal, fifty years of prosperity" and see what you come up with. 

Lastly, the era of unfair free markets is over.  The free market system has gotten us to a 9.6% unemployment rate because it is not a fair market system.  If you want to sell it here, you build it here, period.  The world is changing, but that does not mean that America has to give away the damn farm.  We want jobs here.  Not just technological jobs, not just CEO jobs, not just government jobs, but the skilled labor manufacturer jobs need to stay here too.  We will not trade with any country that thrives on slave labor.  We demand equal pay for equal work.

In the last two years, I tracked down the TARP funds that the Republicans forgot to keep track of after they gave it to the banks.  I got your money back!  Apparently, that welfare program didn't bother them. 

I saved the American auto industry and kept GM and Chrysler in the game so they could employ more workers in this country. 

I created deficit reduction while the previous administration increased the deficit through 2009.  

I pulled combat troops out of Iraq where they didn't belong in the first place.  I did it responsibly and swiftly.

I ensured that military personnel are not discriminated against for who they are, just like the civil rights amendment demands.

I passed health care legislation that was watered down by those of you in Congress that are on the insurance companies' payroll.  But, still it was better than what we had.

I have had to endure lies from the right-wing of this country about where I was born and what my religious affiliation is.  All of this was drummed up to scare the idiots of this country.  If I was a secret Muslim, would I really fight for gay rights? 

The problem with America is we have a segment of the population that believes that Hitler's ultimate goal was to have the Jews, Gays, and African Americans take over the world and provide health care to everyone.  So please, keep peddling signs of me with the Hitler mustache. 

In closing, you liberal morons who think there is no difference between Democrats and Republicans, the next time you want to know what the State of the Union is I am going to say, "What do you care? You won't even vote."

Good night and God Bless Lindsey Lohan's vagina.
  
   

My Continued Study of Lunatics****uh I mean****Americans

January 6, 2011

Day Three....

Here I am in the land of Dixie!  I have heard about southern hospitality and I figure as long as I am going to surround myself with idiots, they may as well be nice.  And it is true!  They are extremely nice.  They say I am the right "color."  Not sure what that means, but I did have especially rosy cheeks today!

I met more people today, and I was eager to find out all about them.....

1. I met a 48 year old man named Bubba Ray at the MLK memorial in Memphis.  He showed up with his 1974 pick-up truck that gets a half mile to the gallon, and it is weighed down by the largest confederate flag I have ever seen.  Bubba Ray says it is a sign of his southern heritage. (Prognosis: Also signs of his southern heritage....whippings, lynchings, and murder.)

2. I met a 22 year old woman named Billie Jean.  Billie Jean had three teeth.  She explained to me that the rest of her family was awestruck at her ability to keep that many teeth so late in life.  Actually, I made that up.  I couldn't understand a damn word she said, so I smiled and moved on.  (Prognosis: Incomplete, just like her mouth)

3. I met a 39 year old man named Billy Bob (I don't understand why they all have two names when they can't spell either of them).  Billy Bob was the head chef at the Waffle House.  Billy Bob served me grits cooked in lard, fried eggs, and biscuits and gravy.  (Prognosis: Apparently the word "cholesterol" was only explained in one of the books the townspeople burned.)

4. I met a 60 year old lady named Emma.  I attempted to explain the effects of carbon emissions on our environment to her.  I told her that credible scientists like Dr. Peter Doran say that global warming is caused by humans.  I could see that I wasn't making any headway, so I went on further to explain how global warming leads to more violent weather with thunder and lighting.  She replied, "Oh that is just angels bowling!" (Prognosis: I didn't even know they had a league night)

5. I met a 45 year old man named Jimbo.  Jimbo had a sign telling everyone how great God was.  Just then a hurricane rolled through taking out half the town and poor Jimbo with it.  (Prognosis: Where's your messiah now?)

6. I met a 34 year old man named Wilton.  Wilton sure was patriotic.  He was wearing a shirt made out of the flag and yelling at a few people telling them to go back where they came from.  The people he was yelling at were American Indians.  (Prognosis: They burned the history books too didn't they?)

7. I met a 50 year old man named Bobby Lee.  Bobby Lee was building a fence along the border to help keep Mexicans out of the United States.  Bobby Lee lives in South Carolina.  (Prognosis: They burned the maps too!)

8. I met a 64 year old retired politician named George.  George asked me, "Is our children learning?"  I told him, "No, they isn't and neither is you. (Prognosis: Most of our imports come from other countries.)

9. I met a young married couple that had a major quarrel.  They were so mad at each other that they both demanded a divorce. (Prognosis: Good news....they are still cousins.)

10. I met a highly intelligent southerner who reads and studies.  He knows religion, medicine, philosophy, history, and politics.  He has a PH.D from Johns Hopkins University.  (Prognosis: I really didn't find this guy, I was just hallucinating after drinking homemade hooch from Billy Bob's restaurant.)

Now that I have gotten a good look at a sampling of the people of America, I am beginning to understand why this country won't exist much longer.  Say what you like about my study but you know damn well that you have met most of these people in your life.  This concludes my investigation.  I can't take it anymore.  I am moving to Switzerland tomorrow.

Study of Americans Continued

January 5, 2011 14:00 Hours....

Day Two

I narrowly escaped my demise yesterday and promptly flew to Washington D.C.  Since meeting the "Americans" I wanted to observe their leadership.  I assumed that while the American commoners may be stupid and hypocritical, their leaders would be different.  I was right!  There was a new Congress sworn in and the leaders of the "Americans" are a little different.  They are still stupid and hypocritical, but they are also criminals!  See my results below:

1. I met a 48 year old man they call "President."  He denounces unfair treatment of detainees under the previous administration, and then immediately continues holding those detainees without trial.  (Prognosis: Pure definition of the word "politician")

2. I met a 50 year old man they call Mr. Speaker.  He loves to cry on TV because he came from a poor background and rose to a high position in Government.  Then he proceeds to shit on the people who come from a similar background.  (Prognosis: Pure definition of the word "Republican.")

3. I met a 78 year old man in the Senate from Arizona named John.  He sold out most of his beliefs to run for President and he still lost.  He recently fought as hard as he could to deny equal liberties under the law to some citizens.  In 1989 he helped cause a major financial crisis by illegally abetting Charles Keating.  He was given a stern talking to.  (Prognosis: Glad he wasn't found cheating on his wife, he may have been removed from the Senate.)

4. I met a 75 year old man in the Senate from Iowa named Chuck.  He recently told the country that the President wanted to kill every one's grandmother with his new health care bill which obviously wasn't true.  He voted against that bill and a stimulus bill as well.  Then he attending the groundbreaking ceremonies that the stimulus bill created and talked about how wonderful it was that he could provide that stimulus to the people.  (Prognosis: Along the same line of thinking, I am taking credit for all three New England Patriots Super Bowls.)

5. I met a 49 year old man in the House from California named Darryl.  He recently accused the President of being "the most corrupt President in recent history."  When asked if he would impeach the President he said, "no."  When asked to present evidence of his claim, he didn't have any.  When asked what he was going to do as Chairman of the House oversight committee he said he would look into issues of corruption.  (Prognosis: In layman's terms, "look into issues of corruption" means......"I'm going to drum up shit that isn't true, and waste every one's time and energy in order to score cheap political points with the whack jobs that vote for me, so it looks like I'm actually doing something.")

Well, I made it through 10 Americans....I could only stand talking to 5 of their leaders.  I am really getting out of D.C. before a christian right wing male married politician tries to have sex with me.  Tune in tomorrow for more of my crazy adventures in the crazy country they call "America!"

A Sociological Study by Shawn Johnson

January 4th, 2011 1400 Hours......

Day One

I arrived today in my new destination.....I am studying the subjects and fortunately most of them speak the same language I do.  I met 10 different subjects today.  They call themselves Americans.

Here are my notes on what I have discovered......

1. I met a 45 year old man named David.....He makes $30,000 a year and says he votes Republican because he is afraid the Democrats will want to raise taxes on the rich...... (Prognosis: Possibly brain-dead)

2. I met a 19 year old kid named Justin.....He says he doesn't vote because government is boring.  He was busted yesterday by the cops for smoking a dime bag.  He also didn't understand why they don't change the marijuana laws.  (Prognosis: Not able to compute two plus two)

3. I met a 69 year old man named Richard.....He told me how horrible it would be if the government ran health care insurance.  His insurance....Medicare.....My insurance....an HMO.....His monthly payment $65.00.....My monthly payment $300.00.  My age....30.....His age.....69....My health...perfect....His health.....heart disease and lung cancer.   (Prognosis: Keep those government hands off of his Medicare!)

4. I met a 29 year old woman named Gina.....She has two kids, no job, and is on welfare. She collects child support and alimony.  She told me that she is an independent woman.  (Prognosis: Take the "in" off of independent.)

5. I met a 40 year old small business owner named Craig.....Craig spent much of 2009 attending Tea Party rallies and protesting the "Public Option."  Now he is complaining because his employees health insurance is too expensive. (Prognosis: Can you say do over?)

6. I met a 35 year old man in a weird hat and a dress....He said he joined the priesthood to escape his homosexuality.  He has just been moved to his third parish.  (Prognosis: Answerable to God but not to the law)

7. I met a 7 year old boy named James.  James is 200 lbs. James is fed fast food and gets little to no exercise. (Prognosis: Candidate for all kinds of horrific diseases and an early grave.)

8. I met James' mother, Judy.  Judy is an avid supporter of Sarah Palin and thinks that Michelle Obama has no right to give a lecture on child obesity. (Prognosis: Child abuse and mental defect)

9. I met a 60 year old woman who recently ran for Governor of California.  She told me that her plan was to create jobs in California.  When she was a CEO, she shipped thousands of American jobs overseas. (Prognosis: Recently gave her concession speech.)

10. I met a 40 year old truck driver named Mort.  Mort is highly upset about the cost of diesel fuel.  Mort elected two oil men to the White House in 2000 and 2004.  Mort cannot believe that the cost of oil quadrupled in that amount of time. (Prognosis: Mort doesn't subscribe to the laws of probability)


Today was interesting to say the least.  I am now worried about my life because one of these idiots may actually be operating a motor vehicle on the street I am driving on.  If I am still here tomorrow, please tune in for day two........