REFETUS

Does your bible, the same book that spends an entire testament killing off almost every living being, tell you that abortion is murder?  I know....the Supreme Court just won't overturn that pesky Roe v Wade (and no George Bush, Roe v Wade isn't how Cubans get to America).  But, what can you do about it?  Murder an abortion doctor?  Trip a pregnant woman on her way to the doctor?  Blow up an abortion clinic?

All of these things might land you in jail because the laws in this country suck (except when they are used to punish blacks and Mexicans).

Well now you can buy new REFETUS!  Yes, it's the happy little pill by the makers of "Jesus Juice," "Queer-B-Gone," and "Delusion."  What does REFETUS do?  It allows you to impregnate the woman of your choice without the fuss and muss!   For every abortion, you can make sure another little bouncing baby is born!  Impregnate your neighbor, an old nun, or a teenage girl!  The best part is, if you spike their drink, they won't even know! 

Wait!  It gets even better!  Odds are that without proper parenting, that brand new bouncing baby will have a bad childhood and become a criminal as a teenager.  Maybe they will even end up killing someone!  That would be great because then we can put them to death.  They might even join the U.S. military where they can fight and die in Iraq and Afghanistan!  Killing a fetus is just plain wrong, but when that fetus grows up he/she is fair game!

How much would you pay for REFETUS?  $1,000,000?   $1,000,000,000?  Right now you can buy REFETUS for just $20.00 (That's right no Jewish $19.99 Bullshit!)!  Come on....You piss away more than that in the collection plate each week!

You may ask, "Why should I trust the bible to tell me what is moral?"  That is a question that only a witch would ask....You wouldn't want people to think you are a witch, would you?

So come on America!  Buy REFETUS and re-populate the world.  You know what we say..."Seven billion just isn't enough!"   

*REFETUS is not really necessary since people can get pregnant by simply masturbating (see...Bill Frist).  Again, like characters in the bible this pill also does not exist.  Please do not use this product on any liberals.  The last thing we need is more children learning scientific fact (i.e. devil worship).  This product is also not necessary in the south as most of those women are consistenly pregnant anyway.* 
    

End Of The Filibuster As We Know It

Mitch McConnell warned Harry Reid against changing the filibuster rules in the Senate by saying, "If Republicans are the majority in two years, Democrats won't like it." 

First of all, if Mitch McConnell thought restructuring the filibuster rules would hurt the Democrats, he definitely wouldn't say anything to discourage the change.  Harry Reid needs to understand that if the Republicans gain control of the Senate in two years, they will change the rules anyway. 

If we change the rules now, we can prevent the Republicans from stopping every piece of legislation that the President wants to pass for the next two years.  And, to the liberals who are worried that the Democrats won't have the same power to block a Republican President, don't worry, the Democrats don't block anything anyway.  They roll over and beg the American people to vote them in so they can change everything. 

I give the President and the Senate Democrats some credit for getting as much legislation passed as they have.  The filibuster rules are simply not fair, and they are not what the founding fathers intended. 

The founding fathers set up the filibuster so one Senator or a group of Senators could be heard on all bills without being shut out.  The rules were very specific.  That particular Senator could not yield the floor for anything, and he had to keep talking.  No bathroom breaks, food breaks, or anything other kind of break. 

Now, in order to filibuster, a Senator simply has to say he won't allow a vote and it takes sixty Senators to invoke cloture to override that Senator.  The Senator never has to give a reason for the filibuster.  The Senate rules are perfect for Republican obstructionists that have no real ideas on how to run a country.  They just know that they can easily block everything the Democrats wish to accomplish. 

Since the Senate makes up its own rules anyway, Harry Reid should simply outlaw Republicans.  Once the Republicans figure out a way around that, he should just change the rules again.  Or maybe we should all be level-headed about this issue and come to an agreement on the intentions of the founders.

A Letter to Sarah Palin

Dear Part-Time Governor Palin,

I read what you said about Michelle Obama, and just in case you forgot, it went something like this,

“Take her anti-obesity thing that she is on. She is on this kick, right. What she is telling us is she cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, for their own families in what we should eat.  I’m going to be again criticized for bringing this up, but instead of a government thinking that they need to take over and make decisions for us according to some politician or politician’s wife priorities, just leave us alone, get off our back, and allow us as individuals to exercise our own God-given rights to make our own decisions and then our country gets back on the right track.”

First of all you miserable bitch, you are goddamn right that you are going to be criticized.  How dare you refer to the President of the United States and the First Lady as "some politician and his wife?"  I feel no need to justify Michelle Obama's position as it is well within her right and obligation to address the child obesity problem we have in the United States of America. 

Secondly, anyone with half a brain (which eliminates everyone in your family) can read what you said and determine that you are a very stupid person.  Since it goes without saying that you are a moron, I am not going to attack your intelligence (even though I just did).  I am instead going to concentrate on your hypocrisy.

I seem to remember you specifically running around condemning individuals for exercising their rights to have an abortion.  I also seem to remember your daughter lecturing other Americans on abstinence.  You also demanded that abstinence be taught in schools.

Why don't you get off our back and allow us as individuals to exercise our own God-given rights (which aren't God-given) to make our own decisions and then let our country get back on the right track?  Why can't you trust parent's decisions when it comes to introducing their children to contraception?  Why do you or your daughter think that the government has the right to step in and teach abstinence?

Maybe you should try to read something and then remember what you read.  It is how normal people formulate an opinion about something.  You asked this country to trust you with the Office of the Vice President, yet you didn't know what a Vice President does.  Maybe that is because you never read the Constitution to find out.  At least President Bush read My Pet Goat.  I know that he did, because he was reading it while peeing his pants on September 11, 2001. 

But, you were asked, "What do you read?"  A perfectly legitimate question to try to determine what your thinking might be, and you couldn't think of anything.  You were so flustered; you didn't even make something up. 

So please, don't concern yourself with problems that affect our society.  Leave those solutions to intelligent people, like Michelle Obama.  And have respect for those that are smarter than you, like the sixteen year old kid that works at Burger King. 

Go back to doing what you do best, hunting wolves from helicopters, pumping out more retarded children like you are a fucking Pez dispenser, and making really bad television shows.  Practice true conservatism and stay in the fucking kitchen, you stupid attention whore. 


Sincerely,


Shawn Johnson
Concerned Citizen

Whores for War

     "This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is new in the American experience. The total influence -- economic, political, even spiritual -- is felt in every city, every State house, every office of the Federal government. We recognize the imperative need for this development. Yet we must not fail to comprehend its grave implications. Our toil, resources and livelihood are all involved; so is the very structure of our society."

     "In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the militaryindustrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist."

     What would the modern conservative think of the man who gave the aforementioned speech?  Would he or she embrace these words as words from an intellectual that recognizes a problem but knows that there are better means of addressing that problem?  Or, would the modern conservative call this man a "lilly-ass liberal who has no idea how to defend a country?"  Of course Rush Limbaugh, Dick Armey, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin would place this man one rung above Bill Ayers without knowing exactly who this man was.

     I do not need to tell you that the man who made this beautiful speech is none other than President Dwight David Eisenhower in his final address to the nation.  Eishenhower realized that allowing multi-national corporations like Blackwater and Halliburton, unfettered access to government funds would cripple this nation.  First of all, corporations demand that they make as much profit as possible, so ending unnecessary war is not an option.  And, secondly, privatization of government jobs is now a staple of Republican policy.

     Whenever President Obama asks for more money for the military he is met by very little opposition in Congress.  Even the Republicans who have vowed to block everything Obama wants, have no problem saying "yes" to large budget increases for the Pentagon.  Never mind that military spending has become twenty percent of our economy (much more than Medicare and Social Security).  The bottom line is, if you want to decrease the deficit, cut the military budget in half.  We would still spend more on the military than any other country in the world by far.  Right now, we spend more than the next seventeen countries combined.  Fear keeps the money flowing.

     Very few in the mainstream media question this spending.  I was watching Meet the Press yesterday morning, and David Gregory was interviewing Joe Biden.  Gregory was grilling the Vice President on spending cuts, wanting to know how the Administration was going to increase spending while decreasing national debt.  This is a fair enough line of questioning and like all good politicians, Joe Biden side-stepped each and every question. 

     The fact that the Vice President gave preplanned, bullshit, stump-speech answers to a reporter's question is not what bothered me.  What bothered me was the focus of the questions.  The focus was on every Congressman's favorite enemy, "earmarks" (which is funny, because the same Congressmen that bash "earmarks" are the same ones that have no problem attaching them to legislation).  To anyone who has passed fifth grade math, it is painstakingly obvious that if we cut all of the "earmark" spending we would save approximately eighteen billion dollars annually, and the national debt is approximately fourteen trillion dollars.  This would be like trying to extinguish a forest fire with a garden hose.  Not to mention that killing "earmark" spending would also kill the jobs that "earmarks" create and drive the middle class further into the " financial ditch."

     Why isn't the focus on cutting our military spending?  Almost every single time we have a budget discussion, the reporter and the politician having the discussion, mutually agree that the military budget cannot be cut or even discussed.   They agree on this without ever talking about it.  Since 2001 I cannot remember one single reporter (maybe Helen Thomas), asking the President why we aren't cutting military spending.  It is the five hundred pound gorilla in the room that nobody talks about. 

     It makes even less sense that we wouldn't discuss our military budget when President Eisenhower gave us the OK to openly question it.  What was Eisenhower dealing with at the time?  We were attacked in 1941, fought in World War II, fought a war in Korea, we were fighting in Vietnam, and the Russians were challenging us with nuclear holocaust.  He made the speech anyway (rightfully so), and it will forever go down as the warning nobody paid attention to.

    Why isn't the word "Blackwater" met with the same disdain as the word "earmark?"  Blackwater officials allowed their own employees to be assaulted and raped by other employees, and they refuse to do anything about it.  They answer to no higher authority, not even to the United States Government who is currently paying them or the laws in the country where they work.  Turning over Blackwater's duties to the United States military would cut the budget because Blackwater employees make triple the salary of a U.S. soldier doing the same job, and it would certainly be the moral thing to do.  Why didn't David Gregory ask the Vice President about Blackwater?  The question could even be a loaded one like, "Mr. Vice President, why is our military corporately controlled?" Even the quick witted Joe Biden wouldn't have a prepared speech for that one. 

     Even worse than the Democrats, who kowtow to corporations, are the Republicans who overwhelmingly and openly support the influx of corporations into our military establishment.  For instance, just ask the thirty-eight Republican U.S. Senators that actually voted against legislation to ban corporations receiving government funds,  from protecting the perpetrators of rape and sexual assault within those same companies.  When I hear people claim that there is no difference between Democrats and Republicans, I like to point this fact out.

     Why doesn't our news media ask important questions about real problems facing our country?  The answer is an obvious one.  The news media is corporately controlled and owned.  How can we trust a news source to give us the "scoop" on their own bosses?  We can't.  We must do our own research and digging which is relatively easy to do, but unfortunately, Americans are too lazy to do it.  Americans trust corporate bullshit that is disguised with the label "news."  How do I know?  Polls conducted of Americans called Fox News the most trusted news source in America.  Yet, there are countless accounts of factually untrue statements and innuendos coming from the personalities and reporters at Fox News.   Worse yet, when Fox News is caught lying, they refuse to retract their statements.  They keep alluding to them as if they are fact.  They will say things like, "Some people are saying that the President was born in Kenya." To which I reply, "Yes, it was the personality on your network I just watched twenty minutes ago."

     In the mainstream media's defense they had excellent round-the-clock coverage on the "Balloon Boy" and the "Octo-Mom."  But, when it comes to real news reporting, it has been left to the journalists with no access to the highest officials in the land.  The questions now shouted at the President of the United States from a room full of glorified bloggers are all about what he is thinking and feeling, rather than what he is doing.

     For example, instead of a good question like, "Mr. President, why is the Pentagon allotted over $600 Billion annually and the American taxpayer still has to pay for an additional $160 Billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan," the White House Press Corps asks something dumb like, "Mr. President, you weren't able to get a public option attached to your health care bill, is your Presidency over?"  They treat the President of the United States like he is a high school student who got a math problem wrong, and they do it for ratings and shock value.  If I hear one more mealy-mouth piss-ant in the news media talk about how great it would be if today's journalists were like Walter Cronkite, I am going to puke.  If only they were in a position to do something about that!

     The bottom line is fear and ignorance has kept the American people at bay.  There is very little outrage after David Gregory completely throws the Vice President "softball" questions.  The result is the military- industrial complex will be allowed to exist and flourish until the people begin to demand better.  And, anytime you have to rely on the American people to do the right thing, you are going to fight one hell of an uphill battle.

                                                              

The Dumbing Down of Conservatives

What makes liberals elect much smarter candidates than conservatives elect?  Democratic candidates are consistently smarter and better educated than their Republican adversaries.  Even the highly educated Republican politicians appear to be really stupid, like Senator Bill Frist, a licensed physician who wasn't sure if masturbation causes pregnancy.  Bill Frist also attempted to diagnose Terri Shiavo while watching her on TV. 

Liberals have elected some buffoons in the past as well, but conservatives actively seek out complete morons to hold public office.  Just think about the last seven Republican Presidential candidates, John McCain, George W Bush, Bob Dole, George H.W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford, and Richard Nixon.  If you were beginning a Special Olympics team, this would be a pretty good start. If you think that is just a coincidence, check out their running mates!  I am willing to bet that their combined IQ's wouldn't equal Forrest Gump's IQ.

The answer to the question is simple.  Liberals elect smarter candidates because they are smarter than conservatives.  Take a look at the above list of Presidential nightmares.  All of them promised to reduce government spending and cut taxes.  Only one of them cut taxes (Reagan cut taxes but raised them again the next year so he doesn't count), and all of them increased government spending to new heights never seen before.

Conservatives are too stupid to realize that the party they support is only for small government when the other side has control.  Small government has no real world applications when you are talking about a country the size of the United States.  Only two Presidents have had a "pay as you go" spending policy since 1980 and both of them have been Democrats.  Bill Clinton was able to balance the budget.  George Bush was able to destroy all of the progress made during the Clinton years in less than two years of the new presidency.  Yet conservatives are hopping up and down about the "out of control" spending of the Obama administration.

Let's get into this, so you "conservatives" (yeah, I am fucking putting that in quotes from now on.) understand something about conservation.  Conservation means that you save instead of spend.  Conservation means that you allow the free market to take care of itself.  Conservation means you don't interfere when two men want to marry each other.  Conservation means you do not infringe upon civil rights.  Conservation means you protect a woman's right to choose.  If you don't believe me, "Google" Barry Goldwater and see what comes up.

Alas, the people who identify themselves as "conservative" always elect leaders, and continue to support those leaders, that do everything they can to destroy conservatism.  As a result they end up electing enormously stupid politicians that think they are conservative when they are really not.  George W. Bush was a shining example of what I am talking about.  If you don't think so, let's look at his spending record.

1. $700 Billion in bank bailouts.
2. $800 Billion for a Medicare entitlement program (that sucks).
3. $1 Trillion on the War in Iraq ($9 Billion misplaced....that's right....they lost it and don't know where it went)
4. $944 Billion on the War in Afghanistan (and we're losing).
5. $285 Billion for a highway bill (very similar to the 2009 stimulus bill under Obama which was labeled as "Socialism")

These are just a few examples of the massive Bush Administration spending spree.

George Bush had $190 Billion in pork-barrel spending.  The two lowest spending years of the Bush administration were 2007 and 2008 (Democratic lead Congress). George Bush spent 44.6% more than Bill Clinton excluding the defense budget. George Bush did not veto one piece of pork-laden legislation in the first six years he was President.

Now, the Republican Presidents that spent their asses off before George W. Bush realized that they had to go back on their promises to cut taxes and promptly raised them.  George W. Bush not only vastly increased the size of federal government; he cut taxes for the wealthiest Americans.  Now, the same "conservative" supporters of George Bush that advocate small government never wavered in their support of Bush and the Republican Party.

Where was the Tea Party protesting the spending?  Where were the "conservatives" (besides George Will and Andrew Sullivan) bitching about large government?

You "conservatives" were nowhere to be found, and the reason you weren't is very simple.  You love big government.  You think that the United States should police the world with its military.  You think that the FBI, NSA, Secret Service, and CIA should keep you safe from foreign terrorists.  You think the government should step in and protect your homes and businesses with the police and fire department.  You think the government should subsidize farmers and keep toys safe for children.  You truly believe that the government should stop homosexuals from marrying.  You would throw a fit if they sold your public library to Borders or your police departments to Blackwater.  What if your kids had to pay to use a public park?  You love national landmarks protected with government funds.  You love the fact that it doesn't cost you $10,000 each year to send your children to school.  You are happy that your parents and grandparents are enrolled in Medicare and Social Security.  You believe that the FDA should protect your food.

So the fact is, you aren't conservative.  You are simply stupid.  Like an uneducated "cave dweller", you don't really understand what you are.  Since you are so stupid, you continue to elect the same "bat-shit" politicians that believe that the world is 6,000 years old, global warming is a hoax, and that there is no scientific evidence to support evolution.

When it comes right down to it, it really isn't your fault.  So called "conservatives" have been fooling you since the beginning of the country.  You keep falling for it, and you will never learn.

Delusion, by CK (Cracker Klan)

Are you a Republican Congressman or Senator?  Do you oppose everything the President proposes just because he is black?  Does the mountain of bullshit that streams from your mouth weigh on your conscience? 

We know.  You have restless night after night not being able to live with screwing the American people just so you can take back power in Washington.

Well Republicans fear no more!  Introducing, new publicly offered, "Delusion"!  Yes, "Delusion" direct to you from the makers of "Queer-Be-Gone" (the magic little pill that cures your homosexuality) and "Jesus Juice" (the product I am being sued for because a few idiots drowned).

That's right, "Delusion", the fragrance that actually makes you believe your own bullshit!  Let's hear what House Minority Leader John Boehner has to say about "Delusion"....

"The situation was critical!  How were we supposed to know that the President would actually support "Cap and Trade"?  Didn't he know that it is a Republican idea?  Well, after one spray of "Delusion" I actually became aware that "Cap and Tax" is something I can vote against!"

"Delusion" is not just for your House Leaders.  John McCain was able to secure the Republican nomination in 2008 by supporting the same tax cuts he animatedly opposed in 2002. 

Remember, you are a Republican.  Unfortunately, that means you have to be as delusional as the whack-jobs that vote for you.  Take back the power!  Take back control!  "Delusion" is the answer! 

Now, how much would you pay for delusion?  $100.00?  $500.00?  If you call in the next 10 minutes, we will give you "Delusion" for only Eleventy-Billion Dollars!  Not only does "Delusion" hide your bullshit, but it also attracts young men as well!  Whether you are Virginia Foxx or Mark Foley, you will be knee deep in pages in no time!

But wait!  "Delusion" isn't only for Congress!  The rebo-netic properties of "Delusion" make it perfect for all groups of brainless idiots (yes...I know rebo-netic is not an actual word....but I am talking to Republicans, so making shit up is a-ok). 

- Guidance Counselors
- Parents
- High School Teachers
- Fox News Hosts
- Major League Baseball Players
- Religious Leaders
- Economists
- Weathermen
- CEO's
- Retail Managers
- Trucking Industry Professionals
- Doctors
- Lawyers
- "Blue Dog" Democrats
- Insurance Agents
- Claims Adjusters
- Newscasters
- Banking Professionals
- Bartenders
- Golf Pros
- Late Night Talk Show Hosts
- Morning Talk Show Hosts

And many, many more!

Wait!  That's not all!  Made just for Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity, now comes "Super Delusion"!  When "Delusion" just can't possibly mask your bullshit, turn to "Super Delusion" (now with beta-carotene). 

***Delusion is not a fully tested product based on the fact that the individuals that have tried it, already have no soul.  Attn: There is no need for Dick Cheney to use this product.  His bullshit tolerance levels are already superior.  Delusion has been shown to actually make you fall in love with your wife again after your "hiking" trip to Argentina!  If you are homosexual, this product will allow you to hate other homosexuals without that guilty feeling!  As always, like characters in the bible, this spray does not actually exist.  Like the Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Cowardly Lion, Republicans don't need the spray.  They believe their bullshit all on their own!"

    

Let's Smoke Some....Weeds?

On my blog occasionally, I try to make my articles humorous, but other times the comedy writes itself.  This is certainly an occasion that is so ridiculous that I couldn't even make this one up.

A month ago, Men's Health Magazine ranked Corpus Christi, Texas the "fattest city" in America.  I wasn't completely sure how they came up with their findings, but then I found out yesterday about the large amounts of marijuana filtering its way into Corpus Christi.  This explains it all!  "Baked" Corpus Christi residents are on a constant "munchie" craze!  The only problem is, Corpus Christi, as it turns out, isn't high.  It's just stupid. 

The police department of Corpus Christi received a call from a teenager riding his bike through a city park.  The teenager claimed that he found an entire patch of marijuana plants growing in the city park.  The police responded immediately and verified the boy's story.  They began to remove 300 to 400 plants from the park stopping only because it was getting dark.  They planned to search for more plants immediately the next morning.  They were so excited to be making a drug bust of this size.

Unfortunately, for the police, the "weed" that they found were actually "weeds".  The police spent over five hours removing a common wild growing weed called "horsemint"!  Yes, that's right everyone.  Your local police department just spent five hours gardening.

Could this possibly be an alternative to illegal immigration?  Pay the police to do the job that Americans won't do.  What a great idea!  I have already e-mailed the Corpus Christi Police Department inquiring about the cost of their horticultural services.

Now, this event is a small symbol of a greater issue.  This was five hours of wasted taxpayer dollars, but the "War on Drugs" has been 40 years of wasted taxpayer dollars.  Adds on television, drug busts in South America, thousands of man-hours, and millions of prisoners later, and what do we have to show for it all?  Drug use has increased in the United States of America by 1% since the inception of the "War on Drugs".  If you dislike a large ineffective bureaucracy, here is a shining example.

I am certainly not blind to the horrible effect that drugs can have, but I do not understand why only certain drugs are singled out as "bad".  The media and the law always gives a pass to prescription drug abusers while persecuting and prosecuting Tommy Chong for selling paraphernalia on the Internet. 

Why is alcohol legal and marijuana illegal?  There is certainly no medical or health reason for it, and many more people are killed by "drunk drivers" than "high drivers".  Cigarettes are laced with tar and the smoke from them causes harm to others in the vicinity, but they are still legal.  There are no redeeming qualities of tobacco whatsoever, but it is still legal.  As Americans we have decided that sacrificing some safety for freedom of choice is a positive thing.  Why should marijuana use be any different?

Legalization would cure several financial ills affecting our country.  It would bring millions of dollars in revenue to the state and save millions more by releasing thousands of pot smokers from prison.  And last, but certainly not least, the state of Texas can return to the two things it is best at....book burning and executing retards.

Just in Case You Weren't Sure

Newsflash.....I think the Tea Party is a racist movement.  I know, I know, I almost couldn't believe it either!  I thought that just because 100% of their members are white, and they shout "nigger" at congressmen, and they hold up signs calling the President a lying African, that all of that was just part of their charm.  I thought, "They are just for citizens rights, like me"!  That was until they were actually able to elect their first representative in a Republican Primary.

Of course I am being facetious, and I am pretty sure there wasn't any real doubt in the country's mind that the Tea Party was anything but the KKK without the sheets.  Oh, I know the Republicans tried to pretend that the Tea-baggers weren't racists, but even to the most brain-dead Republicans out there, it was a little obvious.

Finally, the hard concrete evidence that the entire "movement" is racist has come to the forefront.  Rand Paul, the Tea-baggers number one choice for representative in the Kentucky 12th, actually claimed on the Rachel Maddow show, that he supports discrimination based on race, by private industries.  Rand Paul is an optometrist, and that made me wonder, "does this mean that he wouldn't work on a "black eye"? (pause for laugh at bad joke)  Not surprisingly, the Tea-baggers are still in his corner, and this will probably help his approval rating among them.

Congressional Candidate Paul did not stop there.  The last few days he has been on a media blitz trying to cover up his racist agenda.  He did eventually say that he would have voted for the Civil Rights Act anyway.  What a sweetheart!  Now, this would probably go away more quickly (because America has the attention span of gnat), but Rep. John Conyers tried to help Paul.

Conyers said, "If I was walking down the street minding my own business and someone asked me about a law that passed 40 years ago, without more detail - I think it caught him a little by surprise.
(politico.com)

This begs the question, "Is Conyers serious"?  A law that passed 40 years ago?  Like it was a jay-walking law or something!  You know, it's only the biggest landmark legislation passed in the 20th century.  How can you possibly know how you feel about it?

Now, originally I just thought Rand Paul was a racist.  I had know idea he was a blithering idiot too.  This fuck-nuts actually said that if everyone were Christian we wouldn't even need laws.  Are these the same law abiding Christians that kill abortion doctors, support child molestation, started religious holy wars for centuries, supported eradication of the Jews, aligned their positions with Nazi Germany, enslaved African Americans, burned women at the stake for being "witches", and effectively committed genocide of the Native American people?

Are you fucking kidding me!?  The whole reason we needed Civil Rights legislation in the first place w to stop this group of whack-jobs from murdering and raping African Americans in the streets!  Can you tell that I am sick and tired of religious idiots claiming they have some inherent good that I don't have?  And, if they do have this "inherent good" where does go once they become adults?  The Puritan fucks that landed in the Americas in 1620 were the collective cause of some of the worst human rights violations in the history of the world.

In fact, the Journal of Religion & Society reported in 2008 that Christian nations have much higher crime rates than secular nations.  The comments by Rand Paul are just plain fucking stupid.  The good news for Tea-baggers is when most of the country already thinks that you are racist and stupid, racist and stupid comments really aren't going to hurt your cause.  Black people weren't lining up to become members anyway. 

Kentucky is definitely dumb enough to elect this bigot, so you hang in there Rand!  Before long you will actually be able to present your libertarian agenda into the House of Representatives moving America quickly into the 17th century!

Run California Like a Business?

Here we go again.  Another Republican is ready to run a country, state, county, municipality, and a softball league like a business.  Gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman thinks the budget crisis in California can be solved if we run the state just like a business.  Except what Meg Whitman really means is that we should run California like a multinational corporation.

The problem is, corporations sell products (made in India, China, and Taiwan).  The government raises money through taxes.  So she is going to immediately cut the state's income.  Then Whitman will want to put her plan into action.

Begin by cutting 40,000 jobs in a state that has 13% unemployment.  Eliminate welfare leaving poor people on the street to fend for themselves.  And cut health-care programs like SCHIP that will prevent children from dying.  To actually do these things would be political suicide, so Meg won't actually do any of these things.  That means...you guessed it....the deficit grows to a point of no return.

This catastrophic strategy illustrates what little Meg Whitman knows about governing.  And why should she know anything?  She didn't vote until she was 46, and she only became a Republican two years ago.  All of a sudden she is upset about rich people paying taxes.  Gee, a multi-billionaire that doesn't like taxes.  The hell you say!  This is the same Republican garbage over and over again, tax cuts and spending reduction.  Except, as it has been proven time and time again, Republicans never actually get around to reducing spending, so what they cause instead are huge deficits that are passed on from generation to generation. 

The Whitman campaign would definitely argue with my summary of her candidacy, and tell me that this isn't what she means by running California like a business.  So maybe they are talking about the "other way" she likes to conduct business.

Michael Hitzik from the L.A. Times reported that Whitman was "among an elite group of executives that accepted preferential stock deals from Goldman Sachs (yes...that Goldman Sachs) while Goldman was seeking business from the executives' companies." 

"In "spinning" executives would typically get shares in coveted initial public stock offerings, which they would "spin," or resell, into a soaring market, usually within days and sometimes hours.  Their quick and almost entirely risk-free profits were effectively gifts, and the investment banks the givers."

Meg Whitman pointed out that this practice was not illegal at the time and deflected it as "old news".  It may not have been illegal (thank you Republican deregulation), but it is unquestionably unethical, especially since Forbes magazine reported that she has kept about $1.2 billion of her earnings.

I want to urge Californians to make the right decision and stop another "Fiscal Conservative" from running this state.  Californians can't afford to "foot the bill" for any more conservationists.    

Feigned Illegal Immigration Outrage

Am I the only one who thinks that Americans are hypocritical when it comes to bitching about illegal immigration?  I live in Anaheim, CA and I will tell you right now that not one of my neighbors (even the Hispanic neighbors) owns a lawnmower.  Most of them have housekeepers and babysitters that are Hispanic.  Not one of these home owners has ever asked their hired help for paperwork.

But wait, how can this be?  80% of the country thinks the government is not doing enough about illegal immigration.  Well I am sorry, but that is the pot calling the kettle black.  I guarantee you right now if the government started plucking people out of neighborhoods and schools, and all of a sudden everyone lost their low-wage home workforce, this country would rise up as one and take to the streets in protest.

The largest complaint about illegal immigration is that undocumented workers don't pay into the system, but they receive services from the system.  This is plain false.  Illegal immigrants pay about 20% of their income to the government for income tax.  The C.E.O.'s of wealthy corporations pay about 18% of their income to the government for income tax.  Illegal immigrants contribute $7 Billion annually to social security and $1.5 Billion annually to medicare, even though they are largely unable to receive these services.  Undocumented workers usually find themselves below the poverty level, but they cannot apply for SCHIP, food stamps, or Medicaid.

C.E.O.'s of major companies took in almost $1 Trillion in government assistance recently.  That is more than any immigrant group has cost the United States in history!  So why all the feigned outrage that illegal immigrants get rewarded for breaking the law (like having to risk your life crossing the border and work for less than minimum wage because you don't want to starve to death is being rewarded)?  We don't have a problem in America with people who break the law.  The vast majority of Americans don't want to see Bush or Cheney prosecuted for war crimes.

I have a challenge for America.  If you hate illegal immigration so much, then fire your gardener, housekeeper, babysitter, and pool cleaner, and pay American union labor ($30-$50 per hour) to do the same jobs.  Let's see just how "patriotic" America really is.  The fact is, Americans are full of crap, President Obama and the Democrats are full of crap, and the Republicans are insane and full of crap. 

It is real easy to take your aggression out on "brown people" you don't know, because they can't vote, and they don't have big donations available for each congressman.  It is time to stop this insanity.  Again, the white majority in America, which will soon be the minority, is afraid of losing their position on the totem pole.  Well I say, "TOO FUCKING BAD"!  Now you will know how Native Americans felt.  Oh wait, no you won't.  Because the Hispanic people are not here to kill off our food, rape our women and children, and drive us into the Pacific Ocean through genocide.  That is the job of the church.

Guess Who's Back....Back Again!

I was in a bad mood all week long.  I was so busy that I wasn't able to write my blog, Arizona passed another grossly racist law, Barack Obama stuck his lips to President Hamid Karzai's ass instead of placing him under arrest, and Glenn Beck is mad at liberals for comparing something to Nazism (I guess he had that patented and we didn't know).


But that all changed today.  Ted Haggard is back!  Oh happy days!  Just when you thought you would run out of hypocritical right-wing buffoons, they keep coming back for more.


You remember Reverend Haggard, right?  He is the anti-gay, pro-life, anti-drug, multi-million dollar minister that was um, "caught with his penis in the gay prostitute's cookie jar".  Oh yeah, he was also buying crystal-meth from the same prostitute.  Yes, Teddy is back, but a word to the wise, if he asks you to kneel in front of the altar with your mouth open, he isn't giving you communion.


You know, I would fully support tougher laws against thieves, rapists, murderers, and drug-pushers (you know...doctors), but I really don't want to alienate Evangelical Christians more than I already have.  I never understood the need to believe in a higher power, but I do understand why these Evangelicals need their "god" so much.  They do an awful lot of sinning!  Between the kid-fucking, genocide, drug use, and homosexuality that goes on in the church, unchallenged by its parishioners, God is the only one left that could possibly "forgive" these people.  As a liberal atheist, I don't need any god to love thy neighbor.  I understand right from wrong, not because of anything I ever learned at church, but from what my mom told me about "treat others as you want to be treated".


Let's get into the true delusions of the religious right in this country.  Ted Haggard went to see a "quack" when the allegations first came about, and this supposed doctor said that Teddy was a "heterosexual man with complications".  You know, complications like, masturbating with a 20 year-old male assistant.  I have a friend who is heterosexual just like that....except we refer to him as "gay".  


So let's welcome Ted back with open arms (provided he has clothes on at the time)!  I think that a nice fat bag of crack and a ball-sack on his face will have him giving hate speeches against homosexuals and drug-addicts again in no time!  But after his puke-filled rants used to steal money from idiots, he will of course then use that money to get high and blown. 


  

Spill Baby Spill!

On the hit television series "The West Wing", Republican Presidential Candidate, Arnold Vinnick (Alan Alda), took part in a live televised debate with Democratic Presidential Candidate, Matthew Santos (Jimmy Smits). 

One of the hot topics of the debate was the expansion of nuclear power, Santos arguing that nuclear power is not safe enough to use as a viable alternative energy source and Vinnick animatedly in favor of using nuclear power.  Later in the series, a large nuclear power plant, located in Vinnick's home state of California, has a bad reactor leak.  President Jed Bartlett (Martin Sheen) is forced to take action to avoid a nuclear disaster.
The circumstances in California eventually ends up costing Vinnick the election. 

This week we had a horrible oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico destroying wildlife, endangering people in the southern states, and harming our environment.  Ironically, this event has taken place just weeks after President Barack Obama gave a speech outlining his desire for offshore drilling.  He laid out how safe it was due to technological advances that we did not have years ago.  Like Arnie Vinnick, President Obama has been a victim of circumstance.

Also like Vinnick, President Obama was wrong in the first place.  Drilling is dangerous, and the risks are not worth the rewards.  We need to get off of the "oil tit" today!  The air we breathe and the water we drink depends greatly on how clean it is.  Our quality of life is being systematically destroyed by fossil fuels.  There are so many alternative energy sources that we can mass produce.  Solar energy, wind energy, and hydro-technology are just a few resources that we can use to keep the quality of life that we are accustomed.

Kudos to the Governor of California that changed his mind on offshore drilling after this horrible incident.  Hopefully Mr. Obama will follow Mr. Schwarzenegger's example and change his mind as well.  It is about time we had a president that is not afraid to say, "I was wrong".

I Just Don't Give a Fuck

Has anyone noticed the absolute "shit-fit" the media has when a politician or celebrity cheats on his wife?  Why do so many people seem to care?  There are people out there that are more concerned with Tiger Woods' sex life than Mrs. Woods!  If you ask the average American to tell you something about John Ensign, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, or Elliott Spitzer they would probably bring up their extra-martial affairs and know nothing else about them.

Let me be the first honorary member of the "I don't give a fuck club".  I am much more concerned about the people that Exxon Mobil screws rather than who John Ensign screws.  But, this country is consistently like a 17 year old girl.  This country really doesn't know anything, likes to constantly be on a cell phone, eats like shit, and gossips heavily.

The news media has become a gossip column and nothing more.  Did you know that we still have troops in Iraq and Afghanistan?  Not if you watch the evening news, but you sure know the names of every Tiger Woods' mistress.  I fully expect to see a news ticker run across my TV that looks like, OMG! Did u here wut HAPPENED to Sndra Bullcock?????  lmfao!

I am literally afraid to turn on the television.  It is bad when  I can turn on any of the major 24 hour news networks and learn all about getting a makeover, how prison inmates have anal intercourse, and the search for Bigfoot.

As a society, we should be much more concerned about people that reportedly do not have sex.  How many Catholic Priests need to be caught fucking little boys before we stop calling them celibate?  Forget the vow of celibacy.  We would just be happy if they limit it to two per month!

So, join my club America, and get a free IJDGAF hat!  Let's show people that we really don't care who they fuck! 

Oh, who am I kidding!  You're only going to join for the free hat!       

Is Being an Idiot American? You Betcha!

Throughout the history of children, at least in America, the smartest children in each class are loathed by their classmates.  Smart kids make average kids look bad.  By the time these children grow up they are supposed to get past these feelings.  Adults should be able to see the wonderful qualities of intelligent people and embrace those qualities.

That brings us to the good old US of A.  American adults are overwhelmingly unintelligent and uninformed.  Instead of trying to become more intelligent and well informed, they choose instead to act like the fourth grader that doesn't measure up.  Being an idiot is fashionable.  We even use favorable words to describe stupidity and unfavorable words to describe intelligence.  Stupid people are referred to as "folksy" while intelligent people are "elitist".  Everyone wants to be like "Joe six-pack"!  Even though he is really just a drunk, unthinking boob that can't hold down a minimum wage job. 

Four out of five Americans believe in angels, and just as many believe that the story about Noah's ark actually happened.
This has a terribly adverse effect on politics because there is no intelligence test when you go to vote.  Intelligent politicians must "dumb themselves down" in order to emulate the American population.  Because the mainstream media is concerned more about ratings than they are about accuracy of the news, they have "dumbed down" as well. 

The President of the United States is the only person in the country that can order the use of a nuclear weapon against another country.  In 2000 almost half of the population elected George W. Bush because he promised to remain faithful to his wife, and he seemed like a guy that idiots wouldn't mind drinking with.  The problem is, there is a little more to the job than not having extra-marital affairs.

In a "thinking society" Sarah Palin would not qualify for any job that didn't include a name tag, George Bush would still be living with his parents, and Glenn Beck would be still be ranting, but it would be located on a street corner instead of a live studio.

Politicians could have real debates without the fear of looking too smart.  Joe Biden had to fall all over himself to keep from possibly challenging Sarah Palin in any way, shape, or form.  The American people thought Joe Biden won the debate because he didn't pick on the stupid kid.  In an intelligent society, he would be expected to do the exact opposite.

Don't think America is stupid?  Consider the following statistics from the ISI's simple civics test:

1. 71% of Americans failed the exam.

2. 51% could not name the three branches of government (Sarah Palin thinks they are fig, maple, and oak).

3. The average score for college seniors was 54%.

4. 79% OF THE ELECTED OFFICIALS THAT TOOK THE TEST DID NOT KNOW THAT THE BILL OF RIGHTS PROHIBITS THE ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION!

5. 43% of elected officials did not know the purpose of the electoral college. (George Bush thinks it is where his brother Jeb graduated from)

6. 39% of lawmakers think the President has to declare war. 

7. The average score for college professors was 55%!

8. 56% knew that Paula Abdul was a judge on American Idol!  (This was the number one question that people got right!)

What you have now is a government that mirrors the people.  Men and women in power don't know the Bill of Rights, where Iraq is, or that Medicare is government paid health care. 

Stupid politicians keep insisting that America was founded as a Christian nation.  They do not realize that the founding fathers intended no such thing for America.  They didn't even mention God once in the Constitution.  They explicitly told religion to "butt out" and made it law.

The country suffers from this too.  We can't stop things that don't work because Americans like the way they sound.  The "War on Drugs" polls extremely favorably, and most people don't even care that it costs $36 Billion each year.  And since its inception, drug use has increased by 1% in the US.

If you take the military spending for the entire world, the United States is 41% of it.  We have allocated $1.2 Trillion in 2010 for defense spending alone.  Any person of reasonable intelligence and sense would take a look at China and say, "They seem to be able to defend their country for about 60 Billion this year, and they have 700 million more people."  I think we would be ok if we cut our spending in half. 

But we aren't going to hear that, because Americans can't think that far ahead.  Half of Americans think that Barack Obama is not as strong militarily as George Bush even though he spends more on defense!  They also think that their taxes are higher, even though they received a tax cut. 

The Roman Empire was much stronger and more intelligent than the American Empire.  We all know what happened to the Roman Empire (Unless you are American, and then you should google "Roman Empire" to find out). 

Stupidity is not cute or appealing.  It is certainly not a quality that a leader of men and women should have.  Stupidity leads to racism, homophobia, and fear of the alphabet.  It causes injustice and severely hampers science. 

This planet is being quickly destroyed by global warming.  Despite overwhelming scientific evidence (completely laid out in the book "An Inconvenient Truth") that climate change is occurring, 62% of the population doesn't believe it.  Their argument is "It snowed this year". 

Keep it up America and we will not survive.  The intelligent are offering their help.  I suggest we take it before it is too late! 

The Right Wing's Disappearing Act

Where are the anti-government right-wingers?  Did they leave the country?  Did I finally get my wish?  Oh crap!  They are still here.  I figured that they would be protesting the new government intrusion in Arizona into American citizen's private lives.  We all know that when right-wingers stage a protest they have their ducks in a row.

Just look at what they stopped with health care protests!

- Private Insurance is still legal.

- Grandma won't be put to death by a Roman Emperor.

- The government doesn't have access to your bank account (except through the Patriot Act).

-  Illegal Immigrants won't be given care on the government's dime (unless they use an emergency room like they have always done before).

-  Acorn will not provide home medical services.

- Health care won't be rationed (unless you have private insurance...then it gets rationed by your claims adjuster).

- The government won't intervene in your marriage (unless you are homosexual and then you can't have one). 

(This all sounds very impressive until you realize that none of these things were actually ever considered.)

So I watched Fox News all weekend to find out where the Tea Party, anti-goverment, pro-citizen rallies were in Arizona.  I expected to see pictures of the Arizona Governor with a Hitler mustache.  I expected to see signs misspelled in English and Spanish.  I expected to see a group that supposedly bases their movement on freedom from tyranny protesting in their usual large numbers (500 Jed Clampits' strong baby!)

There were no rallies!  There were no protests!  "Oh my God" I thought "Did they all die"?  No, they are still alive and well.

You see, the driving force behind the right wing of this country has nothing to do with government intrusion.  According to the majority of conservatives I talk to, the government has every right to intervene when it kicks the shit out of African-Americans, Hispanics, women and basically everyone else that isn't rich, white, and male.

The Tea Party absent during real injustice?  Why am I not surprised?

Party of the Ignorant...For the Conglomerates

As a rule, I never speak to a Republican after eating, mainly because it is not proper etiquette to upchuck on the individual with whom you are conversing.  The hypocrisy of these right-wingers makes me physically ill. 


Ask a Republican if he or she is for fiscal responsibility, and he or she will most certainly tell you "yes".  Ask a Republican if he or she supports lower taxes.  He or she will basically wet themselves.  Ask a Republican if he or she supports the policies of George W. Bush over the policies of Barack H. Obama and the answer will be affirmative once again.   


These answers are an amazing contradiction of one another.  Barack Obama has proven himself to be much more fiscally responsible than George Bush, and he has lowered taxes for 95% of the country. 


We are beginning to see the early signs of job creation, and according to the Gallup poll people are happier and healthier than they have been since 2007.  The health care legislation that was passed will cost much less in the long run than the current system (per the Congressional Budget Report).  The "Cash for Clunkers" program (attention Teabaggers....this is not a trade in program for family members) revitalized a dying auto sales market.  And the Economic Recovery Act has helped small businesses all over the country (1/3 of this package was additional tax cuts).


What could be more fiscally responsible than placing laws into effect that will prevent another large bank bailout (which by the way George Bush allocated $700 Billion to without bothering to find out where the money would end up)?  What could be more important to Republicans than enforcing strict regulation to make sure that we never have another "government takeover of the banks"? 

What is much more important to these weasels is the failure of Barack Obama.  So, not surprisingly, it is Republican representatives and senators with the overwhelming support of their constituency (35% approve of regulating Wall Street 53% disapprove), that are filibustering an attempt to debate these issues.  They don't even want to talk about how to regulate Wall Street, much less do it!


Will this hurt the Republicans?  Of course not!  They have been reduced to such a small fraction of this country that just being against whatever Obama is for, is good enough.  They don't care if it is actually good or not.  Republicans hate America.  They want to see this country fail.  They are sick, twisted individuals with no regard for worker's rights.  How else do you explain the fact that they do their best to sacrifice millions of American jobs in order to help large corporations make bigger profits? 


Sorry Dad and Mom with three children.  Remember that job you had?  Well, it was more important to give your salary to the wonderful top notch executives of Goldman Sachs.  Besides, we can exploit starving people in third world countries and have them do your job for a bowl of rice.  We have to pay you money.  So, you understand, right? 


It is time to can the fucking bipartisanship and break up the banks.  When are the Democrats going to realize that bipartisanship only works if you have two sides that are working towards the betterment of the American people?  When is this president going to stop employing conservative ideas that have been proven a failure time and time again?  Democrats, the time is now!  You want to gain back the trust of the American people?   Do what is right instead of what is bipartisan.

Queer B-Gone

Are you a completely heterosexual Republican christian that has accidentally contracted the homosexual virus?  We know just how you feel.  There you were, being a completely admirable right-wing christian when someone infected with the gay disease, gave it to you.  The next thing you know, you are sinning in a Minnesota airport bathroom!  When you learn you have the disease your first thought is, "What am I going to do?" as you think about the countless hours in a dark, secluded confessional with another man, "ridding yourself" of this terrible disease.

Well don't "sweat" it any longer!  Introducing now, new "Queer B-Gone"!  Yes, the makers of "Jesus Juice" (the famous soft drink that allows you to walk on water), have worked yet another miracle!  This tiny little pill will cure your homosexuality without the exorcism.  How does it work?  What do you care?  After fully accepting that a virgin gave birth and a guy lived in a whale for three days, you won't think twice about this little wonder!

Just think...In no time you will be watching your neighbor burn a cross, all without having to think about how he would look without the white sheet!  No more of the pesky urges with your congressional pages either!

Just ask Reverend Ted Haggard if he would use any other product!  Trust us, he would say no!

How much would you pay for this pill?  $100.00, $200.00?  Right now you can get "Queer B-Gone" for only $19.95!  Wait!  That's not all!  Call within the next 10 minutes and we will throw in new "Junior Queer B-Gone" absolutely free!  What better gift for the catholic priest in your life?  

You get "Queer B-Gone", "Junior Queer B-Gone", and memory-foam knee pads for "praying" all for $19.95!  You won't find a better deal!

Call Now!

We accept Master Card, Visa, and money in the offering plate...No exchanges or refunds....Just like the characters in the bible, pill does not actually exist.

Side effects may include stupidity, bigotry, and hypocritical things will pop out of your mouth at inopportune times.  You may feel the unnecessary urge to send other people's children to war while claiming you are pro-life. 

The makers of Queer B-Gone do not accept any responsibility for the appearance of your wife during your apology press conference.

The Tea Party is a Movement?

There have been many great movements in the history of the world, and especially here in the United States of America.  The Civil Rights Movement, Women's Suffrage, the Anti-Slavery Movement, the Anti-War Movements, and the list goes on and on.  These movements all have two things in common.  First, they have passionate individuals involved that are fighting against perceived injustice.  Second, these movements are goal orientated.  They seek to change things through the democratic process.  They are not really concerned with the party affiliation of those in power.  Democrat or Republican, it doesn't really matter to the protesters. 

We now have a new so-called movement developed within the last two years.  It is called the Tea Party Movement.  I will grant you that the individuals involved are passionate, but that is the only thing that even remotely resembles this national embarrassment as a movement.  The real truth is that the "Tea baggers" could care less about the issues they are screaming about.  Those issues mask their racist, homophobic, religious agenda.

How do I know they don't care about the issues they are ranting over?  Because they don't know anything about the issues they pretend to be passionate about. 

The number one concern among these retards, judging from the posters they wave with the President dressed as Hitler, is high taxes.  Barack Obama and the Democratic led Congress cut taxes for 98% of Americans in 2009.  One-third of the Recovery Investment Act was tax cuts. Never once did these mental midgets stage an anti-tax rally against George W. Bush, even though the vast majority paid more taxes under his presidency.  Despite these facts, 64% of the "special people" think Obama raised their taxes.

A "Tea bagger" thinking that his or her taxes are higher now than before is the equivalent of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. thinking that segregation was more of a problem under Jimmy Carter than it was under Herbert Hoover.  How the fuck do you not know basic facts about your number one issue?  It is absolutely mind-boggling. 

The number two grievance is that America is abandoning capitalism and turning to socialism.  Never mind the fact that 99% of our economy is controlled by the private sector, and the government does not own the banks or the auto dealers like these "Forrest Gumps" believe, but even more importantly, things that should be government run are being given to the private sector as well.  Military contracts, which Republican President Dwight D. Eisenhower railed against, are infesting Iraq and Afghanistan. Private health insurance companies are causing the deaths of thousands of Americans each year.  Jobs are being outsourced in America at alarming rates.  This is all in the name of capitalism.

The third biggest bitch is government spending.  They don't know what we're spending or what we're spending it on (probably because most of them can't read), but they know they don't like it.  Every time one of these scumbags is interviewed, they are offered several solutions to cut spending.  The interviewer asks them if they are willing to forgo Medicare and Social Security.  They always say no.  Then the interviewer asks them if they are willing to cut military expenses.  They say no to that as well.  Those three things make up about 60% of our federal spending.  They like unemployment benefits too!   

Barack Obama has done everything these assholes desire most, which begs a question....Why do they hate him so much?

The answer is simple.  He is an African-American Democrat.  First, these people at the Tea Party rallies are 100% white.  They are racist, as evidenced by their posters and the fact that they like to shout "nigger" like it is a nervous tick or something.  Secondly, they are a creation of Fox News and the Republican Party and not a real movement.  Their party loyalty is painstakingly obvious, because if they were really about the issues, they would have hung George Bush.  Bush spent us into the ground, gave the bankers $700 Billion, started wars with no way to pay for them, and sold our children's health to the Chinese.

Obama is a socialist?  Please!  He isn't even a liberal.  If I were President of the United States I would raise every one's taxes except the very poor, sign the Medicare for All bill, and cut our military budget by two-thirds.  I would raise the poverty level to $25,000 a year (basically what I made when I was 18 and living at home) making millions of Americans eligible for benefits.  I would tax the shit out of corporations that send American jobs overseas, and I would make the "Cash for Clunkers" program permanent.

Obama is a middle of the road Democrat, and anyone who cannot see that is blind with hatred.  He is only offensive to a small portion of this country because of the color of his skin and the quality of his mind.  If he came out tomorrow and asked, "Is our children learning?" his approval rating among these "numb nuts" might increase.

"Tea baggers" want their country back!  What they fail to mention is the country they want back was taken from them by Lincoln, not by Obama.

Abraham Lincoln was wrong!

In 1865 the United States of America defeated a treasonous, rouge nation known as the Confederacy. Yes, the "tough guy" south was defeated by the "homosexually, elitist" north.  This victory held the nation together, outlawed slavery, and asserted the federal government over the states.  Abraham Lincoln was the president at the time, and he is given much of the credit for this victory.

Many southerners, even elected officials, have expressed their desire once again attempt to succeed from the union.  What a wonderful idea!  I cannot believe that Lincoln actually wanted to keep these incest-laden bastards!  Wait!  Before you dismiss my idea, please consider the benefits to splitting the nation.

The United States would immediately raise its low rankings in education, health, protection of the environment, and I.Q. level.  With the reduction of evangelical Christians and southern Baptists, we could also make huge advances in science and reading.  With the reduction of the most poverty riddled states, our federal government could retrieve the surplus that we had at the end of the 90's.  Barack Obama could fight poverty, global warming, health insurance companies, and terrorism without having to argue with cast from "Hee-Haw".  The obesity rate would dramatically decrease, and we could start identifying citizens by their dental records again.  

Imagine if two presidential candidates never again, had to appeal to hillbillies in Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama, or Texas.  A debate would actually be about real issues, and not about "the war on Christmas".  Sarah Palin would have a 3% approval rating, and Dick Cheney would be shot as a foreign enemy of the state.

Now, I know what you are thinking, "Aren't there going to be several problems with this idea"?  That is a very valid point, so I have solutions to the top five largest problems we will face. 

1. Illegal immigration - Unfortunately, we will have Confederates attempting to come to the United States and take jobs from hard working Americans.  I propose we build a border fence along the Mason-Dixon Line to keep these free-loading bastards out of our country.  Mexican immigrants will be more than happy to assist us with the labor.

2. Loss of resources like oil, tobacco, and cotton - Uh-oh, we just found out that Confederate President Chuck Norris is hiding weapons of mass destruction.  We must immediately invade, and due to the repeal of "don't ask...don't tell",  we have military personnel that will actually have a "pull-out" strategy!

3. Like all groups of people, the south will still have great performers, thinkers, and leaders.  We will make it very easy for these exceptional individuals to gain citizenship to the United States, much in the same way we treat Europe and Asia.

4. Because of cheap cost of land in Louisiana and Mississippi, American businesses will build their factories on foreign soil. -  We will immediately raise the tax level to 100% for these companies until they hire American workers again.  Also, legalization of marijuana will make up the job loss from tobacco and firearms.

5. Excuses - We used to point to southerners as our excuse for why America is so fucked up.  Europeans, Africans, Asians, and Canadians readily accepted this explanation.  Not to worry!  We still have the Midwestern people that we can blame for instances of national stupidity.

So, come on America!  Get behind this initiative and give the KKK....I mean the Nazi's.....I mean the fine southern people their wish.  Bring back the Confederate States of Bush!